New partner may sabotage Dad-kids relationship
Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and Sharyl Jupe, ex-etiquette experts
 Question: My new partner loves my children and doesn't want to admit they have a biological father who's active in their lives. He doesn't approve of their dad's parenting and says he doesn't know if he can go forward with our relationship if the children continue to see their father.
My ex and I get along OK, and although he's a little inconsistent, he's not that bad. I love my boyfriend and want to build a life with him, and I'm hoping this will fall into place in time. What do you think?
Answer: We think there are red flags waving all over the place and you're pleading colorblindness. Unless Dad is practicing questionable behavior and the kids are in danger, whether the kids see their father is not your boyfriend's call.
Bio-parents celebrating a new love often encounter questionable attitudes on the part of new partners and deny that it could be a permanent state of mind. If that's you, open your eyes. Your partner is telling you he might force your kids to choose their allegiance – Dad or him. We commend him for his love and honesty, but remember the first rule of good ex-etiquette is: "Put the children first." It sounds as if he is saying, "Put me first." Red flag.
If he simply needs a little education concerning this subject, we have a suggestion for you. We suggest an exercise that couples with kids who are about to marry take together. "The Before Exercise" asks each of you to describe the relationship you envision with each member of your new family – yes, including the children's other parent, if custody is shared – before you tie the knot, and then to describe how you propose to achieve that relationship. That puts the responsibility for a positive relationship with family members in your own hands. Not: "If he or she does this, then I will do that."
Attempting to ace out your children's biological father may be just as detrimental to their adjustment as if your guy didn't care about them at all. To offer them a balanced home life after divorce, it's important that your partner be a member of the adult support system – not the entire support system. If he doesn't get it by the end of the exercise, he's not right for you – or your kids.
Get advice on Ex-Etiquette from two women who are living it themselves! Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are ready to answer your questions.
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