Walking away may not be easy,
but it's sometimes necessary
Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and Sharyl Jupe, ex-etiquette experts
 Question: My friends and I read your column every week and talk about it over coffee after we drop the kids off for school. We've noticed that you often tell people to move on, that the relationship is not right for them.
We'd like to say that it's hard to find the right guy the second – or in one of our cases, the third – time around, and your advice to "walk away" seems shortsighted to us. Why do you say that? It doesn't help us to know what to do.
Answer: Yes, it does. You just don't want to do it. You've already had a bad relationship that ended, so why settle for something that's going to cause you pain, the kids pain and probably face another breakup if the warning signs are right in front of you? We think people should be picky. When we make a wrong choice, we often ignore the quiet little voice whispering, "Don't do it!" But we don't want to be alone, or our friends think he or she is great, or the sex is good, or he or she looks good on paper. And so we take the leap, hoping it will be right this time, and ... Oops! We should have listened to that voice because the person really didn't fit in our lives, and now we are all very unhappy.
So, our readers ask how to change the new person to fit into their lives and make it work. They ask, "How do I get ..." When we see that, we say, "Red flag!" because you can't "get" anyone to do anything. Unless the person wants to make changes on his own he will resent you, or your kids, or whoever is behind the change. And we know unaddressed resentment is a major contributor to breakups.
You have to weigh the positives and negatives to every relationship. Some things can be overlooked, such as funny clothes or stupid hair: Buy new clothes and find a good stylist. But if they don't like your kids or are upset that your ex is actively co-parenting? That can't be overlooked. That's when we say, "Walk away." You signed on to that years before this new person came into your life, and your self-esteem and that of your children take precedence. We know it's not easy – we've both had to make that choice – but it's the right thing to do.
Get advice on Ex-Etiquette from two women who are living it themselves! Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are ready to answer your questions.
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