You Can't Change Him
By Relationship Barista Lissa Coffey
A member in Mesa is tired of not being trusted. 
Dear Lissa,
I have just dated a guy who is older than I am by 12 years. I know he is good to me, and I do love him. We do live with each other.
The question for you is, because of his experiences with other women, he is stereotyping me. All of his serious relationships, from what he has told me, ended because she cheated on him in one way or another.
I am a one-man woman, I don't even like the thought of porn for our pleasure. How do I make him realize and believe this? I have guy friends… always have. I was raised in a family of four girls — no guys, except for my dad — so we were raised tomboys, and independent.
I am tired of fighting for him to see me for who I am - a non-cheating, serious, 24 year old woman with no intentions of anything with another man or boy except friendship.
Dear Tired,
First of all, it's not you, it's him. You don't have to make him realize anything. You just have to be yourself. He has trust issues, and he's projecting them onto you.
It would serve your boyfriend, and your relationship, to get into counseling to deal with this. You shouldn't have to be defending yourself when you've done nothing but be a good girlfriend to him.
You don't say how long you've been together, but remember that it takes time to establish true intimacy in a relationship. Do you trust him to be kind to you and not pummel you with accusations? Do you trust him to commit to you, if that's what you want?
With intimacy comes that trust. And you can't really be intimate with someone who always has his guard up. Hopefully counseling will help. You can't change him, but he can change his behavior towards you. If he continues to be suspicious of you then you'll have to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you really want.
Love,
Lissa
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