Skip ex's wedding, by all means
Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and Sharyl Jupe, ex-etiquette experts
 Question: I need help sorting through my feelings. My ex-husband and I have
four children between us, ages 6 to 15. He had an affair and left me for the "other
woman," who has two children. He and I divorced, and the two began planning
their wedding. The kids live with me and see Dad every other weekend.
My ex and I decided that our children would be with him the weekend of their
wedding. But now "the other woman" has left a phone message saying the kids
do not want to come to the wedding and that my attendance would make me a
"good role model" and show we are "one big happy family" now.
I'm sick over the divorce, which was final just a few months ago. I don't want
to go to the wedding, but maybe she is right. Should I go?
Answer: Excuse us, but are you out of your mind? No, you shouldn't go – not when your split is recent and you are "sick over the divorce." The primary rule of good ex-etiquette is to "put the children first." Nowhere does it say to put yourself through torture. We aren't even sure that the kids, let alone you, should go to this wedding.
Under normal circumstances, parents divorce, a few years go by, Dad or Mom meets someone new and wants to remarry – then, of course, children should attend their parent's wedding. It's a good idea if they participate and even help with the planning. It helps them to adjust and makes them feel more a part of the new bonus family.
We aren't sure how much your children know or even understand, but if they are aware of the affair and overwhelmed by how quickly Dad is moving, making them go to the wedding looks as if his behavior is condoned. And if you are "sick over the divorce," you certainly do not and did not condone the behavior, and to attend would be ludicrous.
We often hear of situations such as yours. People who have had affairs hit the Bonus Families Web site, read our message of cooperation and putting the children first, then chastise the former partner for not openly embracing the philosophy. It doesn't work that way. It can backfire if you bad-mouth an ex or the new partner in front of the kids. Cooperate with an ex for the sake of the kids, but be true to yourself. That's how you become a good role model for your children. If Dad and his fiancée want to marry quickly, we vote for a private ceremony – without you in attendance.
Get advice on Ex-Etiquette from two women who are living it themselves! Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are ready to answer your questions.
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