The ugly truth
Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and Sharyl Jupe, ex-etiquette experts
 Question: My husband and I have been married for six years. He has adult children from a previous marriage. We have an 8- and 9-year-old together. His adult children have begun to ask why their dad and mom got a divorce. Their mom told them that their dad had issues.
In truth, she had an affair. That was the issue, and it's making my husband look like the bad guy.
If they ask me why, I want to tell them the truth. And, if my children ask, I also want to tell them the truth, too. When I was a child, my parents were very frank with me about my aunt having an affair and then divorcing, and I handled it just fine. What do you think?
Answer: We think you love your husband and hate for him to be misjudged by his children, but finding out that your aunt betrayed your uncle is quite different than finding out that your mother betrayed your father. We understand that you want to stick up for your husband, but this is not your secret to tell – and volunteering this sort of information may damage your relationship with your bonuskids. The messenger is often blamed for the bad news.
For the record, rarely do we suggest parents tell their children the exact details of the divorce. There may be times when it's necessary – specifically when a crime was committed. And, we understand that saying "he had issues" might be irritating, however, your husband can easily clarify it to the older kids by saying something like, "It's never just one person's fault." Or, "We both had a lot of growing up to do."
That gives him a good opportunity to talk about what he has learned that will help a marriage work. It might infuriate an ex who has been betrayed, but establishing a parent's blame and fault in the eyes of their children rarely helps the child's relationship with either parent. And, truth be told, even though an affair is the final cause for a break-up, it is usually much more complicated, so anything you personally volunteer may be misleading. The whole truth is something only your husband and his ex know – and as you have seen, that sort of truth changes with time.
We are not suggesting anyone lie to their children, just be aware that volunteering more information than is necessary often does more harm than good. A 4-year-old can ask his parent where babies come from and most understand that you offer age-appropriate information, not a detailed description of the act of sex. This situation is no different. Be careful. The truth may set your husband free, but he may be the only one.
Get advice on Ex-Etiquette from two women who are living it themselves! Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are ready to answer your questions.
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