Send regrets if you can't stand the other women
Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and Sharyl Jupe, ex-etiquette experts
 Question: My husband I are throwing my father-in-law a surprise 50th birthday party. He's single now, but has been married three times, the first time to my husband's mother. My husband has two half brothers; one from each of his father's other marriages. My father-in-law is friends with all of his exes, but they're not friends with one another. I don't have the details but I suspect there was very little time, if any, between relationships.
My husband and his brothers will be there, of course, but do we invite all the exes or, since we are the hosts, just my husband's mother? These women despise one another, but I don't see how we can slight them if their sons are coming. What do we do?
Answer: When hosting a party for someone else you should not have to worry that the guests you have been asked to invite will make a scene. However, add divorce — perhaps an affair — into the mix and there is no guarantee of what you will get at any given time. But that really isn't the host's problem. It's the responsibility of the people invited to remain civil and polite if they choose to attend.
With that in mind, with an event like this, we suggest you invite all exes and the children you mentioned and warn them that the others are also invited. If any of the three women absolutely cannot be in the same room with the others, they should send regrets to the host (because it is a surprise) so he or she can take note when ordering food and drinks. Normally we suggest that one also express regrets directly to the guest of honor, but since this is a surprise party, those regrets should probably be held until the party is over.
It's important to note, in order to keep the guest of honor, not his antics, the main focus of the party, that if any one of the three exes chooses not to attend, she should keep the specific reason for not going to herself, not plead her case all the way down the guest list. Everyone attending probably knows the story and has a good idea of why she is not there.
The concept is this: No matter what happened in the past, if people care enough about this man to give him a surprise party, then it is the responsibility of those attending to be respectful at his milestone event. If you don't respect him, don't go. And, under no circumstances should guests make toasts that refer to one ex over the other or publicly tell a story that might embarrass him or the mother of one of his children – even if it's funny and will bring the house down. Save that sort of toast for a private "remember when," if at all.
Get advice on Ex-Etiquette from two women who are living it themselves! Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are ready to answer your questions.
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