Stepparents, build your relationships slowly
Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and Sharyl Jupe, ex-etiquette experts
 Question: My ex is dating, and will soon live with, a friend of mine. This friend is very pushy and demanding on my girls, ages 12 and 14, and insists that they hug, kiss and tell her "I love you" when they are with her. This makes my kids crazy and makes me want to scream. She refers to them as "her girls" even though she has two kids of her own, ages 13 and 16. My girls have asked her politely to stop but she's not getting it. How can I help the girls deal with this or stand up and be heard?
Answer: We know this is frustrating from your point of view. We'll try to shed some light on what is going on.
For the sake of argument, let's give her the benefit of the doubt and think she is a good person with no ulterior motives other than that she wants to bond with your girls. That in itself is infuriating, we know, but in reality, it's better that your girls like her than hate her. If she's with their dad, it will ensure a more positive relationship with him. If they hate his wife-girlfriend, they will look for reasons to stay away from Dad, and that's not good if he is a positive influence in their lives.
With this in mind, this woman may be making the same mistake many new stepparents make – she's trying to treat your kids just as she treats her kids so they don't feel slighted. But they aren't her kids, and so rather than feel motherly love, your kids are offended by the affection. More than that, she's demanding affection in return from your daughters, and that will distance step kids every time.
Actually, demanding love and-or affection from anyone rarely gets you love and affection. Most rebel and run for the hills – that's what you have here.
For future reference to all you potential stepparents out there: If you want your partner's kids to like you, the best approach is to be friendly and kind and gratefully accept the affection they offer you. When affection comes too early, it appears fake. Nothing alienates a kid more than a fake adult. "I love you" too soon will not make them think, "Oh, this person loves me; how wonderful." It will make them think, "This person is a big fat liar, and if she is saying this to me when she hardly knows me, what else will she lie about?"
In regard to how you can best help the girls handle it, the girls should talk to Dad and enlist his help. No " 'Girlfriend' is gross and makes me want to vomit" conversations. Then he might give them the "respect your elders" lecture. More "Dad, I feel uncomfortable when 'Girlfriend' wants hugs and kisses. I'm not ready for that. When I am, I will do it." Pass it on.
Get advice on Ex-Etiquette from two women who are living it themselves! Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are ready to answer your questions.
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