Stop Punishing Yourself and Move Forward
Q & A with Relationship Guru Lissa Coffey
A member in Mesa is wishing for a better relationship with her family.
 "Dear Lissa,
Just asking this question makes me very emotional and also very fearful of being judged. As I am about to turn 50 I have been looking back a lot on my life up to this point. When I was very young (16) I had a child out of wedlock. This humiliated my own mother to the point that she made my life almost unbearable until I reluctantly agreed to let her adopt my child. This is something I didn't want to do and will regret until the day I die. My mother and I haven't spoken since then. She never allowed any type of a relationship to develop between my daughter and myself although my daughter does know that I am not her sister as she was originally told, but her birth mother.
The relationship or lack thereof between my mother and myself is most likely irreconcilable at this point. I just feel I don't even know her any more and feel no closeness to her nor do I wish her any ill will. I feel she is just a person on the Earth just the same as any other. The relationship I always wished I had is the one I missed with my daughter. She knows where I am but sadly has no interest in me, just as I feel about my own mother. I wonder if this is just what I deserve for my actions so many years ago. I finally came to accept that I will most likely never get to know my own daughter and granddaughter. While it makes me very sad and depressed I have come to accept the fact that some mistakes are never forgiven.
Do you have any advice or thoughts on this situation?
Thank-you."
Dear Sad in Mesa,
You're punishing yourself. Stop it! It is natural to analyze the past, but at the same time understand that whatever you did at the time was the best you knew how to do at the time. And the same goes for all of the people involved. As we learn and grow, we see how things could have been different, and we may have regrets. But we can't change the past. What we can do is live in the present, and do things now that affect our future.
Your daughter is a grown woman. You can reach out to her. It is likely that she is having some of the same feelings now that she has a child of her own. Write her a heart-felt letter. No blaming, just expressing your love and a desire for some sort of a connection. Even if you get no response, you'll feel better knowing you tried. Meanwhile, be good to yourself, and cultivate meaningful relationships in your life. Friends can be family and give us that closeness that we need. Help your community. Be an example to your daughter of a productive, fulfilled woman living an authentic life.
Love,
Lissa
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