Can this marriage be saved?
Coffey Talk, with Relationship Expert Lissa Coffey
Losing My Grip on Marriage 
"My husband and I have moved here from the Midwest in April '06. We have been together for 11 years and married for five on August 4th. We had a wonderful relationship in Indiana. Now that we are in Arizona, we've been having problems. He claims I have changed and in reflecting back on my life since we've been here, I really don't see that I've changed. I'm thinking this is a comment to make him feel better for the "suspected" wrongdoing that I think he has been up to.
He used to have long hair before we moved here and he was modest. Claimed he would never give into the corporate world by cutting his hair, would shy from cameras and photos and liked to stay away from people. Now he had to get his hair cut for work (which he said he would never do) this struck our first falling out because he was mad at himself for committing to corporate rules. He would take his anger on me emotionally or verbally (not offensive as in cursing, but yelling that I was in the wrong for whatever reason). He'd always tell me he'd be home soon or early and would never walk in the door before 1:30 am. I am now finding phone numbers of females that I know are not work related.
Women’s intuition tells me that he's getting a wandering eye. If I try to bring this "suspicion" up to him, he tells me that if I accuse him he may as well do it. The reason for this, I think is that I was in previous relationships that were "cheating" relationships and always had a suspicion of the person I was dating. I used to "jokingly" say comments occasionally like 'was that your girlfriend' if he had a phone call. But he's been getting upset about these comments. It seems that he almost looks for a reason to get mad at me and take off.
With his new haircut, people have been saying he looks like a cross between Keanu Reeves and Johnny Depp. The ladies have been batting their eyes and twirling their hair and touching him when they get a chance. He's even gone as far as applying for a modeling/acting company. His head is swelling and I think I'm losing him and feel that there's nothing I can do with this relationship. Should I just sit back and see what happens? Am I just letting things get to me?
He works the 40 hours a week and I look forward to spending time with him on his days off. After he returns home from work at night, I leave him to his computer or music or reading so I can have him to myself on his days off. He says I'm crowding him and he needs to get out with other people and away from me and that he spends too much time around me. Between him working and hiding in his den or on the balcony with his computers, I hardly see him at all, unless he figures that his sitting on the opposite sofa with his head phones plugged into his laptop, spending time with me.
Please help. I am going crazy and I feel I'm losing the grip on my marriage like picking up dry sand and having it run through your fingers. My head is spinning. What can I do?”
Dear Losing Your Grip on Marriage,
You're unhappy. He's unhappy. Something has to change. The problem has gone beyond something you can fix on your own; you need to get yourselves to a marriage counselor quick. It's not about blame, or about who's right and who's wrong - it's about getting the relationship back on track. Right now you're living separate lives, and pushing each other away whether it's consciously or subconsciously. Something has to bring you together again. You need to remember why you fell in love in the first place. You need to focus on each other's good qualities, and show appreciation to each other. That can be a challenge when you're in the space you're in right now. A counselor can help you. I think you need to go as a couple, and also individually. Your husband could be depressed. You both have a lot of resentment to work through. Can this marriage be saved? Absolutely! You just need some assistance - don't let things get any worse than they already are.
Love,
~ Lissa
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